november 23rd

23 Nov

Everything is so bad now.

It doesn’t matter what I do, the negative keeps outweighing the positive. Make 10k in a month? Congrats now here’s two $172 fines for the SAME infraction within TEN DAYS. That’s not even the beginning of it. Apparently my mother threw out my notice to pay those tickets in the mail, meaning my license was suspended, so my insurance lapsed. Oh, and because of my bullshit insurance company they demanded triple my premiums because of the tickets. I can’t have it cancel cause that would kill my credit score, so that’s 33% upfront which is about 1500 with less than two days to pay. So there’s $2000 gone this month, but that’s still fine cause I’m earning a lot. Oh but I’m not done, my car needed $3000 in repairs, all of which would’ve been under warranty that JUST EXPIRED 18k km ago. Okay, so now we’re at $5000 (a little over actually). Still not done, I had a sale completely vultured from me by another salesperson, which would’ve been a $5000 commission, so there’s $5000 I’m out. Oh yeah and I still need new rims and tires since both are completely shot.

That’s just the financial. Socially I’m as alone as I’ve ever been. Only now am I realizing the impact that my ex girlfriend has had on my reputation. Never before have I seen someone so viciously attack someone’s reputation, which hurts considering what I’ve done for that person. I never retaliated directly. I’d occasionally post subliminal tweets to defend my reputation but I don’t think anyone caught on. I wasn’t going to say anything to ruin someone reputation to save my own. Unfortunately nothing I said mattered. Everyone already decided I’m a bad person. Now I can’t even vocalize my opinion without being labeled and attacked by my peers.

Emotionally and mentally I am tired. I can’t imagine myself ever being married, having kids, or even having friends for that matter. The best future I imagine for myself is being rich, living in hotels, getting drunk and just fading myself out of existence. I’m not coward though, I’m not killing myself until I at least can help a few people out. I’m not 100% set on suicide, it just seems like the most likely outcome for my future at the moment. Hopefully it’ll change, but for now I am out of hope, and I fear I’ll be alone from here until the day I die.

I feel like I’m on the decline. I feel like all of this was for nothing. I feel I was deprived of every opportunity I’ve been given. I do not feel like I ever had a fair chance. Ignorant people who don’t know anything about me will say negative things about me, and I can only trust the couple people that do know me will defend my reputation against these ignorant people.

For now, I live, and I’ll keep trying until there’s nothing left.

June 11 2015

11 Jun

It’s been a few months, but let’s be brief.

I got my real estate license and I’m doing very well. I just sold my last listing today, meaning I’ve now sold 100% of my own listings, plus other agents’ listings.

My portfolio is now at around 200%, with one of the investments yielding a 400% return.

I’m going to be very, very rich.

a question of space, a matter of time.

29 Jan

I escaped suicide.

It’s been 2 years now since the beginning of the worst year of my life since age 12.

Sometimes I even feel like it was worse than that, but I don’t know for sure. I’m not sure what to think of my mother. I don’t want to have nobody. Maybe I’ve been too harsh, or maybe I’ve been jumping to conclusions due to my fear of the inevitability of losing her one day.

Aside from that, my real estate course has been going well. I think I’ll be able to write, and pass, in February. I’m also taking 20mg of melatonin with 10-25mg of doxepin/silenor, which is very good. Weight training is going smoothly as usual.

I’m struggling with dating. Part of this is due to being stuck living with my mother, which shouldn’t be for much longer. I also feel like people can read me, like they know I’m barely holding it together. I’m scared as I’ve ever been, and I worry that this shows in my personality.

I’m a serious person now; more than I’d like to be (proper semi-colon use?). I try to keep my sense of humor, but that’s something I’ve struggled with as of late. I feel that people won’t accept me for who I am or who I’ve become. I won’t always be this way.

2am as I right this. I’ve run out of things to say. Hopefully I’ll have my exam passed before I come back here. If anyone of you have IG, my user name is “ry_ta“. On twitter, I’m @rt00071. I’ll follow any of you back.

One last thing… I really want to find love before I reach my goals. I’m scared of going through this journey alone, and having no one to share it with.

November 28th

28 Nov

Now that I don’t have panic attacks throughout the day, and my breathing isn’t a problem, I’m actually able to think about my own problems. As I stated in one of my first posts, my relationship with my mother is not good, but you’d never know this if you didn’t read those first couple posts. The reality is that she has never been a good parent, or a good friend to me.

Since being able to clear my mind from panic attacks and asthma, I’ve been able to really think things through. I’m not actually scared of my mother dying, I’m scared of being alone, like every other human on this planet. The 6 steps of grief are shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I feel like I’ve been stuck in an endless cycle of denial, anger, bargaining and depression for years. It’s like I just don’t want to accept this reality that I’m already alone, and have been for years.

I’ve faded in and out of people’s lives thinking I had actually meant something to them. I’m not sure I’ve ever been anyone’s friend.

November 26, 2014

27 Nov

Asthma is much better. I take Ventolin much less than before. When I was smoking weed I’d be taking at least 4-6 shots of Ventolin per day, and now, months after quitting, I’m taking Symbicort 2 doses, 2x per day. I hardly every require Ventolin.

Panic attacks triggered my asthma a lot I guess. Thanks to my new doctor, I was able to get my panic attacks in check, and then get my asthma in check. Panic attacks aren’t really a problem right now, at least not the way they used to be. I still haven’t tried going downtown yet, but I’ve started getting into whiskey, and I think that’s going to be my anti anxiety drug of choice.

I don’t take Ativan often anymore, but I am on Oxazepam for sleep. I was taking 10mg, then 20mg, then 30mg. One night I had none left, and took 40mg of Doxepin and 10mg of melatonin, and that worked real well. Unfortunately I’m out of Doxepin/Silenor right now, and have been for a few days. I’m feeling withdrawal symptoms, and it’s rough, but Ativan is helping with that.

I’ve been taking things one step at a time. Asthma has been dealt with, I quit weed, I know I can quit Ativan, and I’m confident I can sleep with just Doxepin long term. My next doctor’s appointment is on December 5th. I’ll renew my Doxepin/Silenor and my Oxazepam. I’m going to do 10mg of Oxazepam each night for 1 month, with 40mg of Silenor each night. Afterwards, I’ll be off Oxazepam for good.

So it’s been a while since I wrote that last paragraph. Withdrawal is bad right now. I can’t focus. I’m going to update this once I’ve gotten back on a steady dose of medication.


20 Nov


Update, Goals, What happened before I was 12…

31 Oct

So my recovery is going well, sort of. I’ve managed to get my asthma in check, but now I’m addicted to Ativan… I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that before, but this is recent. PTSD has resulted in my memory being foggy. This would be like during a foggy day, staring off in the distance, and only seeing distinct objects. Sure, you’re going to notice that there are houses, or trees, or whatever surroundings are there, but you’re not going to know the specific details of the scenery you’re looking at. PTSD works like this, when it comes to memory.

This next part is a bit of a rant. Part of the reason I’m strong at the gym, and angry outside the gym, is because I can never forget about events like the following, which are from the first 12 years of my life, something I haven’t previously talked about on this blog, or to most people at all.

Certain family members, who I truly do hate, like to say things like “oh you don’t remember things correctly” and always act like I’m a complete brain-dead idiot with no recollection of my life. My psychotic step brother used to threaten to kill me in my sleep, and would frequently attack me at random with weapons during my childhood, and every time I would defend myself he would run up to his mother and father (my step mom, and father) and accuse me of attacking him. How fucked up is that? This would happen all the time, and to make things worse, my father and step mother would accuse me of lying when they asked for my side of the story. That’s favouritism, and ironically, my step mom would joke to other adults about how she’s not an evil step mom. Her and all the other adults she was friends with (usually from church) would all laugh, and she’d tell incriminating stories about me to them, while glorifying her own hellspawn of a child.

At one point, her and my father owned a huge rural property and on several occasions I was made to do HOURS of forced labour, in a household I didn’t want to be in to begin with, while the other siblings would have fun. It wasn’t the other siblings fault though, and I never fussed because I didn’t mind being the workhorse (because I thought I’d be recognized one day for it). See, one of my siblings, the not psycho one, was frequently bullied and physically abused by the psycho sibling. I was the only one who ever stood up for him. The catch was I was only there 50% of the time.

Here’s a summary of my experience outside of what I’ve written above:
-Joint custody between my mom and dad.
-Dad used fear tactics into getting me to spend more time there. Court said I was to spend every 2nd weekend there. My dad forced me into adding every Tuesday, 1st Thursday, and every 2nd holiday (including birthdays).
-I was forced into hours of labour, and I was very rarely allowed to have friends over (but I was never allowed over to friends houses), and when I did invite them, we were forced to play with my psychotic step brother. This lead to my friends not wanting to hangout with me when I was there, and because of my also violent father, their parents didn’t want them there either.
-I never enjoyed any birthdays or holidays, because I was forced to invite said psychotic sibling to every birthday party, and because I was either forced to go to my fathers house on Christmas Eve, or Christmas Night. Either way, I had to spend a week there during my vacation from school.
-This was exactly like being incarcerated for 50% of my childhood. I had my psychotic cell-mate who would attack me with all weapons he could get, the evil prison wardens, forced labour (more than any prison would do), limited visiting hours, was not allowed to leave the premise.
-I was never able to keep up with sports teams growing up, so I was terrible at sports because of this. I suffered terrible in school because I was always stressed out of my mind from this (no 5 year old or 12 year old should go through this).
-I developed a stress-induced eating disorder at either 7 or 9 years old. I don’t remember the specific time it happened, but it lasted a while.
-I got made fun of at school because I had very few friends. I felt disconnected from my friends because we could never hangout. My mom allowed me to do whatever, wherever, but when I was with her custody, I just wanted to spend time with her, because I was rattled as fuck every time I came back. I was in no condition to hangout with my friends. Literally every holiday, birthday, vacation, I cried. I was miserable. I just wanted to have a life like my other friends.
-When I was 12, my psycho sibling pulled a knife on my father, and my father choked him. After this, I decided I had a valid legal reason to never go back, so my mother and I took it to court. We were in hiding for about two weeks, and my father made death threats to my mom.
-I was diagnosed with PTSD, severe depression, severe social anxiety, and separation anxiety.
-This was the end of the “prison” era, but this was the beginning of the “step dad” era. My step dad was addicted to morphine and ativan, and assaulted me several times (he was 300lbs, I was 130lbs at best). He tried to get me taken away by police, and when that didn’t work, he tried to get me put in a mental hospital. He had my mom manipulated as fuck. There was a point where they threatened to have me thrown into foster care if I mentioned any of this to anyone.
-While dealing with the diagnoses and violent step dad, I also had undiagnosed asthma and acid reflux. I tried playing sports, but was not as good as I could have been.
-By the time I was 18, I had moved out with my girlfriend. This was mainly so my mom could prepare to leave her husband. It was easier to do if I wasn’t there I guess.
-Now I’m 21, I’ve been living with my mom for almost 2 years. I’m trying to recover right now, physically mentally. I want to learn to live with PTSD. I’ve been downtown twice in my life, and I need to get out more.
-After the court case, my step brother didn’t get charged with anything.He got off without anything. He’s a lying piece of shit too. He actually believes that none of what I said happened, and that he was a victim and never the aggressor. Now obviously if you have a psychopathic sibling you’re not going to confront him, so I just avoid him completely. I think he might do something crazy, I don’t know, but I’m keeping my eyes open and I’m calling the cops if I think he’s going to try anything.

I may have left out details, but you should get the point…

My end of 2014 goals
-Get off Ativan (what I’ve been using to sleep)
-Fix sleep cycle (it’s 4am as I write this)
-Pass real estate exam (delayed due to serious asthma problems)
-Get back into dating. I’ve really refined myself in the last couple years, since breaking up with my 3-year girlfriend. I didn’t sleep with anyone, or even try and jump back into dating. I was all in in that relationship and got burned. Things are coming along nicely, and once I land this job, and get a nice cash reserve and my own place, then I’ll be ready. I currently own a $33,000 car, which is very good for a 21 year old where I live, and I’m easily one of the strongest people at my gym.


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