So my recovery is going well, sort of. I’ve managed to get my asthma in check, but now I’m addicted to Ativan… I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that before, but this is recent. PTSD has resulted in my memory being foggy. This would be like during a foggy day, staring off in the distance, and only seeing distinct objects. Sure, you’re going to notice that there are houses, or trees, or whatever surroundings are there, but you’re not going to know the specific details of the scenery you’re looking at. PTSD works like this, when it comes to memory.
This next part is a bit of a rant. Part of the reason I’m strong at the gym, and angry outside the gym, is because I can never forget about events like the following, which are from the first 12 years of my life, something I haven’t previously talked about on this blog, or to most people at all.
Certain family members, who I truly do hate, like to say things like “oh you don’t remember things correctly” and always act like I’m a complete brain-dead idiot with no recollection of my life. My psychotic step brother used to threaten to kill me in my sleep, and would frequently attack me at random with weapons during my childhood, and every time I would defend myself he would run up to his mother and father (my step mom, and father) and accuse me of attacking him. How fucked up is that? This would happen all the time, and to make things worse, my father and step mother would accuse me of lying when they asked for my side of the story. That’s favouritism, and ironically, my step mom would joke to other adults about how she’s not an evil step mom. Her and all the other adults she was friends with (usually from church) would all laugh, and she’d tell incriminating stories about me to them, while glorifying her own hellspawn of a child.
At one point, her and my father owned a huge rural property and on several occasions I was made to do HOURS of forced labour, in a household I didn’t want to be in to begin with, while the other siblings would have fun. It wasn’t the other siblings fault though, and I never fussed because I didn’t mind being the workhorse (because I thought I’d be recognized one day for it). See, one of my siblings, the not psycho one, was frequently bullied and physically abused by the psycho sibling. I was the only one who ever stood up for him. The catch was I was only there 50% of the time.
Here’s a summary of my experience outside of what I’ve written above:
-Joint custody between my mom and dad.
-Dad used fear tactics into getting me to spend more time there. Court said I was to spend every 2nd weekend there. My dad forced me into adding every Tuesday, 1st Thursday, and every 2nd holiday (including birthdays).
-I was forced into hours of labour, and I was very rarely allowed to have friends over (but I was never allowed over to friends houses), and when I did invite them, we were forced to play with my psychotic step brother. This lead to my friends not wanting to hangout with me when I was there, and because of my also violent father, their parents didn’t want them there either.
-I never enjoyed any birthdays or holidays, because I was forced to invite said psychotic sibling to every birthday party, and because I was either forced to go to my fathers house on Christmas Eve, or Christmas Night. Either way, I had to spend a week there during my vacation from school.
-This was exactly like being incarcerated for 50% of my childhood. I had my psychotic cell-mate who would attack me with all weapons he could get, the evil prison wardens, forced labour (more than any prison would do), limited visiting hours, was not allowed to leave the premise.
-I was never able to keep up with sports teams growing up, so I was terrible at sports because of this. I suffered terrible in school because I was always stressed out of my mind from this (no 5 year old or 12 year old should go through this).
-I developed a stress-induced eating disorder at either 7 or 9 years old. I don’t remember the specific time it happened, but it lasted a while.
-I got made fun of at school because I had very few friends. I felt disconnected from my friends because we could never hangout. My mom allowed me to do whatever, wherever, but when I was with her custody, I just wanted to spend time with her, because I was rattled as fuck every time I came back. I was in no condition to hangout with my friends. Literally every holiday, birthday, vacation, I cried. I was miserable. I just wanted to have a life like my other friends.
-When I was 12, my psycho sibling pulled a knife on my father, and my father choked him. After this, I decided I had a valid legal reason to never go back, so my mother and I took it to court. We were in hiding for about two weeks, and my father made death threats to my mom.
-I was diagnosed with PTSD, severe depression, severe social anxiety, and separation anxiety.
-This was the end of the “prison” era, but this was the beginning of the “step dad” era. My step dad was addicted to morphine and ativan, and assaulted me several times (he was 300lbs, I was 130lbs at best). He tried to get me taken away by police, and when that didn’t work, he tried to get me put in a mental hospital. He had my mom manipulated as fuck. There was a point where they threatened to have me thrown into foster care if I mentioned any of this to anyone.
-While dealing with the diagnoses and violent step dad, I also had undiagnosed asthma and acid reflux. I tried playing sports, but was not as good as I could have been.
-By the time I was 18, I had moved out with my girlfriend. This was mainly so my mom could prepare to leave her husband. It was easier to do if I wasn’t there I guess.
-Now I’m 21, I’ve been living with my mom for almost 2 years. I’m trying to recover right now, physically mentally. I want to learn to live with PTSD. I’ve been downtown twice in my life, and I need to get out more.
-After the court case, my step brother didn’t get charged with anything.He got off without anything. He’s a lying piece of shit too. He actually believes that none of what I said happened, and that he was a victim and never the aggressor. Now obviously if you have a psychopathic sibling you’re not going to confront him, so I just avoid him completely. I think he might do something crazy, I don’t know, but I’m keeping my eyes open and I’m calling the cops if I think he’s going to try anything.
I may have left out details, but you should get the point…
My end of 2014 goals
-Get off Ativan (what I’ve been using to sleep)
-Fix sleep cycle (it’s 4am as I write this)
-Pass real estate exam (delayed due to serious asthma problems)
-Get back into dating. I’ve really refined myself in the last couple years, since breaking up with my 3-year girlfriend. I didn’t sleep with anyone, or even try and jump back into dating. I was all in in that relationship and got burned. Things are coming along nicely, and once I land this job, and get a nice cash reserve and my own place, then I’ll be ready. I currently own a $33,000 car, which is very good for a 21 year old where I live, and I’m easily one of the strongest people at my gym.