October 15th

16 Oct

I’m going to try and keep these updates more organized, so I’ll be posting in similar fashion over the next while. I figured out how to follow back recent followers, and I followed every I could. Some of you I could not follow because it wouldn’t let me.

Strength Update:
The gym is what keeps me functional and sane. I do mostly compound movements, using mostly barbells and dumbbells. I’ve gotten very strong, but sadly it does not show as well as it would on some people. I’m completely natural, so no anabolic steroids of any kind.
-Military Press: 145lbs
-Squat (Low bar, ATG): 285lbs
-Deadlift: 400lbs
-Bench Press: 205lbs

Finance Update:
I can’t discuss what happened over the last two days, but I’m feeling a bit more optimistic about things financially. It’s going to be incredibly rough for me over the next year but on a positive note, my mother should be fine. We’re basically in this mess together, so getting her situation fixed directly helps my situation. My asthma medication is ravaging my wallet ($300/month) and my car, insurance, phone bill, gym membership, gas and food still combine to give me overhead expenses of close to $2000. I literally cannot afford to have friends, or afford to have any kind of fun.

Health Update:
-Asthma is still at the forefront of my conditions. It’s better since the last post. No new hospital visits. Currently taking symbicort @ 2 doses, 3 times per day. I’m taking Ventolin around 1-4 times a day (improved from 10-30 doses per day).
-Acid Reflux or whatever is wrong with my oesophagus(spell check?) remains a mystery. It’s usually under control and I only need Gaviscon about once per week.
-Mental health remains an issue. PTSD is still as bad as ever. My sleep has been awful. I can’t even sleep for more than 4 continuous hours without Ativan and melatonin. I think I’m getting addicted, but I have no choice because I need sleep.

Moral Update:
I’ve been sad. Over the last two years, my mental health has gotten terrible. I can barely be around people. I feel like I’m either boring them, or depressing them. I don’t bother talking about my problems because either they don’t care, and are just waiting for me to finish talking, so they can talk about their problems, or it’s that they do care, and I wouldn’t want such a sincere human to have to listen to me vent (why I’m using this to “vent”). I know they all say they don’t mind, but I know those people often have to listen to everyone’s problems. Overall I’m losing friends faster than I can make them or keep them, and I feel more isolated and alone than ever before. I don’t really bother approaching women because who would want to date a 21 year old who’s just beginning a new job, and still lives with his mom, and spends all of his money on overhead expenses? No one. I’m realistic and know what I need to do before I start dating again. I’m not into one night stands, because unlike many people, I take the risk of contracting an STD seriously and won’t gamble my future on some sketchy chick from a bar or club.

Conclusion:
Obviously, by now, anyone who’s read my blog knows that I’m not going to give up. These are all speed bumps, and other humans have accomplished great things while starting with less. If they can do it, I can do it. I’m prepared to deal with the isolation and I’m prepared to deal with my inevitable Ativan addiction.

October 9th, 2014

9 Oct

I’m stressed, really stressed. I’m racing against time. I’m trying to make money quick enough so my mom can retire, so she doesn’t have to stress. Recently her brother (my uncle) died of a heart attack, we believe due to the stress he was under–he literally worked himself to death.

I’m so scared of this happening to my mother, who is currently trying to bring herself out of the debt that her ex husband put her in (I’ve talked about that in previous posts). Currently what I’m lacking is time, and we’re lacking is money.

Real estate is what I’ve decided to pursue, after an inconsistent career in life insurance. That career completely changed my life for the better, but it cost me so much, from friends, to money and health. The course is $2500. Once I get licensed, I’m going to door to door like my life depends on it; actually I’m going door to door like my mom’s life depends on it.

My own dreams are far off in the future, and I’m not at all worried about realizing those dreams before I’m 30. Currently I’m at a very low point in my life. I’ve always struggled with depression and anxiety disorders, stemming from a PTSD diagnosis I received when I was 13 years old. Things have gotten worse than that though.

Asthma has gotten quite bad in the last few months. I quit weed at the end of September, and since then my anxiety and depression have been absolutely terrible. I quit weed because my lungs simply couldn’t handle it anymore. Quitting something I was so dependant on did cause some inherently bad side effects involving my mental health. To make things worse, my new steroid-based inhaler is amplifying these side effects. I’m having such a hard time throughout the day. I can’t focus on my studies, my mind is a mess, I’m getting pissed off at every little thing. My patience is absolutely gone.

Personally, I stay away from other people, including friends. This isn’t because I don’t like people, it’s because I don’t want to annoy them with my “moodiness”–I don’t want to bring them down with me. I’ve taken note of the people that have been good to me, but I don’t want them to think their kindness and patience will force them into hanging out with someone that would bring them down. I want them to feel rewarded for their kindness and patience, not punished for it. I know I come across selfish, but I’m actually one of the least selfish people out there, I just don’t get recognition for it because I keep it low key, and that’s fine by me because I do it for them, not me (none of them know about this blog).

Between my steroid-induced mood swings from my puffers, PSTD, depression, I’m so alone, and so sad all the time. I’ve gotten used to it, and I don’t know if that’s good or bad anymore.

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What’s my plan? I see a light at the end of the darkness. I believe things will turn out good. I believe with consistency, hard work and perseverance that I can help my mother out, and help myself out. Once I’ve helped myself out, and am in a position to spend more money, I plan on doing an insane amount of fun stuff with the people who’ve been good to me. I imagine travelling the world with them, going to concerts, exotic locations, A-list parties, everything. I’m going to be rich, I know it. I know my mother will be okay. I know that these tough times won’t last. I have to know these things.

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Rant, Oct 2014.

6 Oct

Stuff I’m currently dealing with:
-Asthma (Just got off prednisone, has been out of control for about a week now. It’s effecting my sleep)
-RISP (Recurring isolated sleep paralysis. I’m scared to sleep every night because of it)
-PSTD (I literally cannot go out and have fun, I’m a prisoner to my own mind)
-Acid Reflux (At least once a day I’m hunched over in pain for about 5 minutes at a time)
-Severe clinical depression
-Anxiety disorders (social, separation, panic)

Mental disorders diagnosed through Dr. Emmerys, physical disorders diagnosed through Dr. Arsenault and Dr. Donald.

I’m very grateful this is all that’s wrong with me, but these things are negatively effecting my studies and postponing my independence and success. I’m pursuing real estate and the course I need to take is an independent study. I can’t focus because of all this stuff. If my asthma could just get under control, then everything will be find. Regardless, I’m still going back to studying this Tuesday, healthy or not.

Oh, you know what SUCKS about Canada? My asthma prescriptions are costing me almost $400/month. My cell phone bill is $100+/month, and I never get reception. My WiFi doesn’t work on my $800 iPhone, and Apple refuses to fix it. My $33,0000 car, that was pushed on me at the age of 19 years old by Rallye Motors is costing me $500/month, and the $3000 warranty I purchased has not covered a single expense.

Anyway, I’m sick of getting screwed by big corporations. I’m sick of the corrupt Irving family in New Brunswick, who control all the news. I’m sick of austerity. I’m sick of garbage Medicare that would rather keep a bunch of fat, lazy people instead of active young people who actually care about their future. I’m sick of banks harassing my mother for stuff they should be harassing my mother’s ex husband for (he took out a home equity line, and blew all the equity on gambling, or so that’s what we think, because nothing else would make sense [100k = gone]).

My mother makes 80k NET INCOME (after taxes) yet banks are refusing her because of her EX HUSBAND. This is fucking stupid and my blood is boiling as I write this. Why can’t my mother and I get help? We’re actual productive citizens that can actually make money, and are intelligent enough to manage that money, yet banks would rather throw a bunch of immature students in debt than us, even though we can manage debt, and they probably can’t.

Another thing that drives me insane is that at 18 years old, I got thrown into an illegal pyramid scheme that the local government is turning a blind eye to. I lost thousands of dollars through cost of business, was guaranteed $30,000 per year, yet wasn’t paid any of that. That’s how I got this burden of a car I drive; this company called Rallye Motors, and told them I’d make at least $30,000 per year. I got incredibly sick during my tenure with that company, while I was in that expensive apartment, and during that time I lost close to 70k, at NINETEEN YEARS OLD. Why the FUCK can’t our government do what it’s supposed to and protect our citizens? I’m excited for real estate, and it is my dream job, but I also have no choice because of the amount of fucking debt I’m in. I’m managing a very successful portfolio (Direct invest through RBC, no fees, etc), but I can’t access it because the same government that screwed me over, harasses my mom, ignores my mom’s ex husband and illegal pyramid schemes, has locked up both mine and my mothers bank accounts until we pay them off. How fucking dumb is that?

Anyway, last entry here, but once I get rich, I’m going to sue the living hell out of so many people, and so many companies. I’m going to sue every person responsible for not only mine and my mothers grief, but all Canadians who have been screwed by this system. In Quebec, they never would let this stuff happen…

September 18th Update

19 Sep

I’m at an impasse. I’ve been smoking marijuana for years to cope with PTSD. Last night I had my second (bad) asthma attack within the last 4 months. I’m taking way too much Ventolin. Anxiety + ventolin = very bad.

Anyway I’ve been a mess lately. I’m pursuing a career in real estate, but it hasn’t been easy. I can’t think, I can’t focus. Even right now I’m shaking as I write this. Today is day 1 without weed, and my appetite is suffering.

What’s tough about my situation, and part of the reason I can’t focus, is that there is so much I cannot tell people, so I can’t really be open with anyone or get close with anyone. I can’t talk about my problems because I’m bound to secrecy. I’m scared to death about almost everything in life. I can’t control my thoughts and as a result my dreams are nightmares(I think of the most terribly sad and depressing stuff). Ever since I broke up with my ex my mind’s been a mess. It’s not that I’m not over her, it’s that our relationship became more of a coping mechanism for me. As long as I was focused on the relationship, I wasn’t thinking about the other stuff that’s haunted me my whole life.

So much has happened since March 2010.

just a few random paragraphs

7 Aug

There was a certain haunting feeling about my last job. Going from a gas station clerk in a committed relationship, to a life insurance agent with no girlfriend, or real friends. It was bitter-sweet. Getting up in the morning was fine, getting dressed up, looking nice, driving my nice car, and making sales was all fine.

What made things haunting were the drives home. They’d often last a couple hours, if not longer. During that time, feelings, thoughts and memories would creep up on me. I went from listening to upbeat music, to more deep music. I’m not sure depression was the right word for it, and I’m not sure sad fits the description either.

Watching the seasons pass as I just kept going on strange. Watching the snow pile up, the sky get darker; the air was cold and dry. I’ll never forget one time in Fredericton, walking around with my suit and blazer. It was on that day that where it hit me, that I was just another person with a suit on a busy street. It’s like I’d sold my humanity for success. The white snow landing on my black pea-coat and blazer matched my pale complexion. Girls definitely noticed me, but I was just focused on that haunting feeling; it’s like I was frozen in time.

Being alone for so long, with my only interactions with other people being intentional sales conversations, took its toll on me. To be honest, I don’t even feel human anymore. I just feel like a robot. I have such a good understanding of psychology now, after being in sales for so long, that I just can’t see people the same. I’m very confident, I workout, I have a bright future, I can cook, and really, to be honest, I’m the complete package that any girl would want out of a boyfriend or husband.

However, something is missing, and I don’t know what. For now, I’m putting the feelings on hold, and I’m chasing my dreams. I’m chasing money, and I’m racing against time. I think about the future. I think about snowy nights, in lofts high up in big cities. I think about watching the seasons change in exotic locations. I think about meeting new people from new places. Everything I think though, is dark. All my thoughts and dreams are at night.

I’m always stressed out. When I’m at home alone, I’m constantly shaking and thinking and stressed out. Comfort just isn’t something I’m used to, and I don’t want to become an emotional burden on the few good friends I do have now. It’s not that I don’t trust them, but only one of them has been in my life for more than 2 years, and I don’t wanna push them away.

Update: Summer 2014

16 Jun

Well, a lot has happened since my last post. I’ll try and be as chronological as possible, but because of PTSD, my sense of time has become so… off. Anyway, without further verbal procrastination, here’s what happened. 

That financial company I had pursued, well it turns out that I was being led on by one of their ex agents, who had been terminated (that’s insurance language for fired) for failure to disclose a DUI arrest. He hadn’t told me this though, and wasted almost 6 full months of my time waiting. I’m not gonna lie, when I found out he wasn’t authentic, my heart sank. I spent weeks alone. I thought about suicide for months. It is absolutely crucial for me to have a job where I can earn a good living, because of the amount of shit I’ve been through, and because I want those I care about to live a good quality of life. I’ve outlined in minimal detail what I went through in previous posts, so I won’t go on about that negative stuff. 

So, yeah. I was discouraged, and I was running dry for ideas. Then, one day, it dawned on me. I had managed to be relatively successful with insurance sales, so why not try real estate? I decided to do it. I’ve completed one of 6 courses, and I guess it’s a numbers game. 250 prospecting activities (door to door), equals to 50 leads which equals to 1 listing. The average house in my province is $176,000. The commission is 5%. So if I go to 80 houses a day, 5 days a week, for 12 months, then I’ve made one hell of a living. Best part is, volunteer work counts as prospecting activities. So in essence, I’m now in line to get paid to do what I love doing, helping other people. 

Anyway, so real estate is just part of how my life has changed since my last post. My fitness goals are going great. I can almost pull 4 plates (405lbs), using no belt, chalk or straps. I’ve reconnected with some great people. I’m hardly ever alone these days, and when I am, it’s because I choose to. I’ve taken to training other people in the gym too. So far, it’s going great. I’ve helped 3 people long term, and 3 others short-term (teaching them proper form on certain lifts). I’m honestly feeling so good about life. PTSD still does take its toll on me, and I do still have flash backs, night terrors and everything that comes with the diagnosis. It’s important to note that I was actually diagnosed with everything I say I’ve been diagnosed. Dr. Emmerys, and 2 foreign psychiatrists prescribed me multiple anti depressants, and anti anxiety medications. Literally, you could name any one, and I’ve probably been on it at one point. 

So, the thesis would be that I’m in the best shape of my life, I feel great, momentum is building, and this is all happening organically. I haven’t forced anything. I’m just working hard, and being nice to people, and something (religious folk would call it God) is helping me immensely. I look forward to updating this blog once I’ve made some sales with real estate. 

PS, I’m very much a noob on this site, and I have no idea how friending people works, so if I haven’t followed you back, or friended you back, I’m sorry, but my social media “expertise” is only good for Instagram, Twitter and Facebook. I’ll be on LinkedIn soon. 

IG: ry_ta

Fitness IG: 531ectomorph

Twitter: rt00071

Goals:

  • Complete real estate exams
  • Get my first listing
  • Overhaul my professional wardrobe (I’ve gotten a bit muscular lately, stuff doesn’t fit like it used to)
  • Fix my mom’s teeth
  • Clear my mom’s debt
  • Pay off my car, or get a new car

6. An update

21 Feb

Saturday night, 9pm, late January 2014.

I’m alone, with no plans tonight, which has become typical.

I’m grateful to be healthy, and I’m grateful to have gotten the opportunity to pursue the career I had applied for.

I’m not out of the woods yet; there’s still so much to do.

Loneliness does creep up on me, and I gotta admit, it sometimes really sucks.

I’d like to meet a woman that lifts, or just an independent, mentally strong woman. I want seduction. I want aggression. No more of these beautiful women, who are so obsessed with themselves, they expect every man to chase them. I chase money. I chase success, and my dreams. If women really want ambitious guys, they’ll realize that the guys that hit on them, and act entitled, aren’t ambitious, but insecure. Real men, are working on goals. It’s like hunting. If you sit there and wait for a guy to talk to you, 5 times out of 10 you’re going to get stuck with some scumbag, pretending to be rich, buying stuff he can’t afford to impress girls that don’t know him. Now, if you go and do the hunting, you’ll have a much better selection of guys to pick from. I’m arrogant. I know I’m better than 90% of the guys out there. I wasn’t born the same, but I outdo them in terms of work ethic and morals. I know my flaws, and I do what is needed to fix them.

I treat people equally. I’m nice for the sake of other people, not for any other reason than to make people feel better. When people tell me their stories, I actually listen, and I actually care. I come across as ignorant and absent minded, but that’s because I’m truly thinking of their situation, putting myself in that position, and trying to take what I can from their situation, whether it be a lesson to be learned, a problem to be solved, etc.

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