I’m going to try and keep these updates more organized, so I’ll be posting in similar fashion over the next while. I figured out how to follow back recent followers, and I followed every I could. Some of you I could not follow because it wouldn’t let me.
The gym is what keeps me functional and sane. I do mostly compound movements, using mostly barbells and dumbbells. I’ve gotten very strong, but sadly it does not show as well as it would on some people. I’m completely natural, so no anabolic steroids of any kind.
-Military Press: 145lbs
-Squat (Low bar, ATG): 285lbs
-Bench Press: 205lbs
I can’t discuss what happened over the last two days, but I’m feeling a bit more optimistic about things financially. It’s going to be incredibly rough for me over the next year but on a positive note, my mother should be fine. We’re basically in this mess together, so getting her situation fixed directly helps my situation. My asthma medication is ravaging my wallet ($300/month) and my car, insurance, phone bill, gym membership, gas and food still combine to give me overhead expenses of close to $2000. I literally cannot afford to have friends, or afford to have any kind of fun.
-Asthma is still at the forefront of my conditions. It’s better since the last post. No new hospital visits. Currently taking symbicort @ 2 doses, 3 times per day. I’m taking Ventolin around 1-4 times a day (improved from 10-30 doses per day).
-Acid Reflux or whatever is wrong with my oesophagus(spell check?) remains a mystery. It’s usually under control and I only need Gaviscon about once per week.
-Mental health remains an issue. PTSD is still as bad as ever. My sleep has been awful. I can’t even sleep for more than 4 continuous hours without Ativan and melatonin. I think I’m getting addicted, but I have no choice because I need sleep.
I’ve been sad. Over the last two years, my mental health has gotten terrible. I can barely be around people. I feel like I’m either boring them, or depressing them. I don’t bother talking about my problems because either they don’t care, and are just waiting for me to finish talking, so they can talk about their problems, or it’s that they do care, and I wouldn’t want such a sincere human to have to listen to me vent (why I’m using this to “vent”). I know they all say they don’t mind, but I know those people often have to listen to everyone’s problems. Overall I’m losing friends faster than I can make them or keep them, and I feel more isolated and alone than ever before. I don’t really bother approaching women because who would want to date a 21 year old who’s just beginning a new job, and still lives with his mom, and spends all of his money on overhead expenses? No one. I’m realistic and know what I need to do before I start dating again. I’m not into one night stands, because unlike many people, I take the risk of contracting an STD seriously and won’t gamble my future on some sketchy chick from a bar or club.
Obviously, by now, anyone who’s read my blog knows that I’m not going to give up. These are all speed bumps, and other humans have accomplished great things while starting with less. If they can do it, I can do it. I’m prepared to deal with the isolation and I’m prepared to deal with my inevitable Ativan addiction.