There was a certain haunting feeling about my last job. Going from a gas station clerk in a committed relationship, to a life insurance agent with no girlfriend, or real friends. It was bitter-sweet. Getting up in the morning was fine, getting dressed up, looking nice, driving my nice car, and making sales was all fine.
What made things haunting were the drives home. They’d often last a couple hours, if not longer. During that time, feelings, thoughts and memories would creep up on me. I went from listening to upbeat music, to more deep music. I’m not sure depression was the right word for it, and I’m not sure sad fits the description either.
Watching the seasons pass as I just kept going on strange. Watching the snow pile up, the sky get darker; the air was cold and dry. I’ll never forget one time in Fredericton, walking around with my suit and blazer. It was on that day that where it hit me, that I was just another person with a suit on a busy street. It’s like I’d sold my humanity for success. The white snow landing on my black pea-coat and blazer matched my pale complexion. Girls definitely noticed me, but I was just focused on that haunting feeling; it’s like I was frozen in time.
Being alone for so long, with my only interactions with other people being intentional sales conversations, took its toll on me. To be honest, I don’t even feel human anymore. I just feel like a robot. I have such a good understanding of psychology now, after being in sales for so long, that I just can’t see people the same. I’m very confident, I workout, I have a bright future, I can cook, and really, to be honest, I’m the complete package that any girl would want out of a boyfriend or husband.
However, something is missing, and I don’t know what. For now, I’m putting the feelings on hold, and I’m chasing my dreams. I’m chasing money, and I’m racing against time. I think about the future. I think about snowy nights, in lofts high up in big cities. I think about watching the seasons change in exotic locations. I think about meeting new people from new places. Everything I think though, is dark. All my thoughts and dreams are at night.
I’m always stressed out. When I’m at home alone, I’m constantly shaking and thinking and stressed out. Comfort just isn’t something I’m used to, and I don’t want to become an emotional burden on the few good friends I do have now. It’s not that I don’t trust them, but only one of them has been in my life for more than 2 years, and I don’t wanna push them away.