November 26, 2014

27 Nov

Asthma is much better. I take Ventolin much less than before. When I was smoking weed I’d be taking at least 4-6 shots of Ventolin per day, and now, months after quitting, I’m taking Symbicort 2 doses, 2x per day. I hardly every require Ventolin.

Panic attacks triggered my asthma a lot I guess. Thanks to my new doctor, I was able to get my panic attacks in check, and then get my asthma in check. Panic attacks aren’t really a problem right now, at least not the way they used to be. I still haven’t tried going downtown yet, but I’ve started getting into whiskey, and I think that’s going to be my anti anxiety drug of choice.

I don’t take Ativan often anymore, but I am on Oxazepam for sleep. I was taking 10mg, then 20mg, then 30mg. One night I had none left, and took 40mg of Doxepin and 10mg of melatonin, and that worked real well. Unfortunately I’m out of Doxepin/Silenor right now, and have been for a few days. I’m feeling withdrawal symptoms, and it’s rough, but Ativan is helping with that.

I’ve been taking things one step at a time. Asthma has been dealt with, I quit weed, I know I can quit Ativan, and I’m confident I can sleep with just Doxepin long term. My next doctor’s appointment is on December 5th. I’ll renew my Doxepin/Silenor and my Oxazepam. I’m going to do 10mg of Oxazepam each night for 1 month, with 40mg of Silenor each night. Afterwards, I’ll be off Oxazepam for good.
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So it’s been a while since I wrote that last paragraph. Withdrawal is bad right now. I can’t focus. I’m going to update this once I’ve gotten back on a steady dose of medication.

6 Tips To Getting Rich

20 Nov

1) Lower expenses: Make a budget that accounts for unforeseeable expenses, and have the discipline to stick to that budget. Don’t forget to make include entertainment into that budget either.

2) Invest in protection: Dashcams and home security are key. Invest in a critical illness insurance policy, as well as a disability policy and a life insurance police through a well established brand. The younger and healthier you are, the cheaper it is. Critical illness being the most important.

3) Stay healthy as possible: Prioritize yourself. Do whatever you can to improve your physical and mental health. Being healthy means you can be more consistent in even the most competitive job markets.

4) Manage debt: Clear debt as fast as you can. Think of clearing debt as setting a foundation, and think of investing as building a house. Great buildings require solid foundations.

5) Increase income: You have a job? Good. Actually, that’s great. What should you do now? Be ambitious. Develop a great cover letter and resume through either Microsoft Word, or through online resume builders (I prefer online resume builders because they look more unique). Apply at places you want to work, and be persistent about it. Follow up, preferably in person, on a bi-weekly or a weekly basis. Let them know how bad you want that job. What have you got to lose? A resume?

6) Invest in safe securities: Now that you have a great source of income, it’s time to invest in secondary sources of income. The most common being real estate, followed by mutual funds, and income properties. Make sure your mutual fund fits your goals, and is done through a reputable company.

?) Stocks?: Now, this step is not for everyone. Investing in stocks is highly volatile and carries a high risk so if that doesn’t meet your objectives, then disregard this paragraph. Stock market investing will require extensive research, lots and lots of reading, and discipline. Most people won’t do all three, and they’ll fail in the stock market, and then blame the stock market for their inability to make good investment decisions. Legally, I have to advise you not to invest in stocks. However, I personally opted to go with the stock market instead of mutual funds. If you do decide to invest in stocks, I recommend you read at least one of these three books: The Neatest Little Guide to Stock Market Investing by Jason Kelly, Security Analysis by Benjamin Graham, and The Intelligent Investor by Benjamin Graham.

Update, Goals, What happened before I was 12…

31 Oct

So my recovery is going well, sort of. I’ve managed to get my asthma in check, but now I’m addicted to Ativan… I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that before, but this is recent. PTSD has resulted in my memory being foggy. This would be like during a foggy day, staring off in the distance, and only seeing distinct objects. Sure, you’re going to notice that there are houses, or trees, or whatever surroundings are there, but you’re not going to know the specific details of the scenery you’re looking at. PTSD works like this, when it comes to memory.

This next part is a bit of a rant. Part of the reason I’m strong at the gym, and angry outside the gym, is because I can never forget about events like the following, which are from the first 12 years of my life, something I haven’t previously talked about on this blog, or to most people at all.

Certain family members, who I truly do hate, like to say things like “oh you don’t remember things correctly” and always act like I’m a complete brain-dead idiot with no recollection of my life. My psychotic step brother used to threaten to kill me in my sleep, and would frequently attack me at random with weapons during my childhood, and every time I would defend myself he would run up to his mother and father (my step mom, and father) and accuse me of attacking him. How fucked up is that? This would happen all the time, and to make things worse, my father and step mother would accuse me of lying when they asked for my side of the story. That’s favouritism, and ironically, my step mom would joke to other adults about how she’s not an evil step mom. Her and all the other adults she was friends with (usually from church) would all laugh, and she’d tell incriminating stories about me to them, while glorifying her own hellspawn of a child.

At one point, her and my father owned a huge rural property and on several occasions I was made to do HOURS of forced labour, in a household I didn’t want to be in to begin with, while the other siblings would have fun. It wasn’t the other siblings fault though, and I never fussed because I didn’t mind being the workhorse (because I thought I’d be recognized one day for it). See, one of my siblings, the not psycho one, was frequently bullied and physically abused by the psycho sibling. I was the only one who ever stood up for him. The catch was I was only there 50% of the time.

Here’s a summary of my experience outside of what I’ve written above:
-Joint custody between my mom and dad.
-Dad used fear tactics into getting me to spend more time there. Court said I was to spend every 2nd weekend there. My dad forced me into adding every Tuesday, 1st Thursday, and every 2nd holiday (including birthdays).
-I was forced into hours of labour, and I was very rarely allowed to have friends over (but I was never allowed over to friends houses), and when I did invite them, we were forced to play with my psychotic step brother. This lead to my friends not wanting to hangout with me when I was there, and because of my also violent father, their parents didn’t want them there either.
-I never enjoyed any birthdays or holidays, because I was forced to invite said psychotic sibling to every birthday party, and because I was either forced to go to my fathers house on Christmas Eve, or Christmas Night. Either way, I had to spend a week there during my vacation from school.
-This was exactly like being incarcerated for 50% of my childhood. I had my psychotic cell-mate who would attack me with all weapons he could get, the evil prison wardens, forced labour (more than any prison would do), limited visiting hours, was not allowed to leave the premise.
-I was never able to keep up with sports teams growing up, so I was terrible at sports because of this. I suffered terrible in school because I was always stressed out of my mind from this (no 5 year old or 12 year old should go through this).
-I developed a stress-induced eating disorder at either 7 or 9 years old. I don’t remember the specific time it happened, but it lasted a while.
-I got made fun of at school because I had very few friends. I felt disconnected from my friends because we could never hangout. My mom allowed me to do whatever, wherever, but when I was with her custody, I just wanted to spend time with her, because I was rattled as fuck every time I came back. I was in no condition to hangout with my friends. Literally every holiday, birthday, vacation, I cried. I was miserable. I just wanted to have a life like my other friends.
-When I was 12, my psycho sibling pulled a knife on my father, and my father choked him. After this, I decided I had a valid legal reason to never go back, so my mother and I took it to court. We were in hiding for about two weeks, and my father made death threats to my mom.
-I was diagnosed with PTSD, severe depression, severe social anxiety, and separation anxiety.
-This was the end of the “prison” era, but this was the beginning of the “step dad” era. My step dad was addicted to morphine and ativan, and assaulted me several times (he was 300lbs, I was 130lbs at best). He tried to get me taken away by police, and when that didn’t work, he tried to get me put in a mental hospital. He had my mom manipulated as fuck. There was a point where they threatened to have me thrown into foster care if I mentioned any of this to anyone.
-While dealing with the diagnoses and violent step dad, I also had undiagnosed asthma and acid reflux. I tried playing sports, but was not as good as I could have been.
-By the time I was 18, I had moved out with my girlfriend. This was mainly so my mom could prepare to leave her husband. It was easier to do if I wasn’t there I guess.
-Now I’m 21, I’ve been living with my mom for almost 2 years. I’m trying to recover right now, physically mentally. I want to learn to live with PTSD. I’ve been downtown twice in my life, and I need to get out more.
-After the court case, my step brother didn’t get charged with anything.He got off without anything. He’s a lying piece of shit too. He actually believes that none of what I said happened, and that he was a victim and never the aggressor. Now obviously if you have a psychopathic sibling you’re not going to confront him, so I just avoid him completely. I think he might do something crazy, I don’t know, but I’m keeping my eyes open and I’m calling the cops if I think he’s going to try anything.

I may have left out details, but you should get the point…

My end of 2014 goals
-Get off Ativan (what I’ve been using to sleep)
-Fix sleep cycle (it’s 4am as I write this)
-Pass real estate exam (delayed due to serious asthma problems)
-Get back into dating. I’ve really refined myself in the last couple years, since breaking up with my 3-year girlfriend. I didn’t sleep with anyone, or even try and jump back into dating. I was all in in that relationship and got burned. Things are coming along nicely, and once I land this job, and get a nice cash reserve and my own place, then I’ll be ready. I currently own a $33,000 car, which is very good for a 21 year old where I live, and I’m easily one of the strongest people at my gym.

October 15th

16 Oct

I’m going to try and keep these updates more organized, so I’ll be posting in similar fashion over the next while. I figured out how to follow back recent followers, and I followed every I could. Some of you I could not follow because it wouldn’t let me.

Strength Update:
The gym is what keeps me functional and sane. I do mostly compound movements, using mostly barbells and dumbbells. I’ve gotten very strong, but sadly it does not show as well as it would on some people. I’m completely natural, so no anabolic steroids of any kind.
-Military Press: 145lbs
-Squat (Low bar, ATG): 285lbs
-Deadlift: 400lbs
-Bench Press: 205lbs

Finance Update:
I can’t discuss what happened over the last two days, but I’m feeling a bit more optimistic about things financially. It’s going to be incredibly rough for me over the next year but on a positive note, my mother should be fine. We’re basically in this mess together, so getting her situation fixed directly helps my situation. My asthma medication is ravaging my wallet ($300/month) and my car, insurance, phone bill, gym membership, gas and food still combine to give me overhead expenses of close to $2000. I literally cannot afford to have friends, or afford to have any kind of fun.

Health Update:
-Asthma is still at the forefront of my conditions. It’s better since the last post. No new hospital visits. Currently taking symbicort @ 2 doses, 3 times per day. I’m taking Ventolin around 1-4 times a day (improved from 10-30 doses per day).
-Acid Reflux or whatever is wrong with my oesophagus(spell check?) remains a mystery. It’s usually under control and I only need Gaviscon about once per week.
-Mental health remains an issue. PTSD is still as bad as ever. My sleep has been awful. I can’t even sleep for more than 4 continuous hours without Ativan and melatonin. I think I’m getting addicted, but I have no choice because I need sleep.

Moral Update:
I’ve been sad. Over the last two years, my mental health has gotten terrible. I can barely be around people. I feel like I’m either boring them, or depressing them. I don’t bother talking about my problems because either they don’t care, and are just waiting for me to finish talking, so they can talk about their problems, or it’s that they do care, and I wouldn’t want such a sincere human to have to listen to me vent (why I’m using this to “vent”). I know they all say they don’t mind, but I know those people often have to listen to everyone’s problems. Overall I’m losing friends faster than I can make them or keep them, and I feel more isolated and alone than ever before. I don’t really bother approaching women because who would want to date a 21 year old who’s just beginning a new job, and still lives with his mom, and spends all of his money on overhead expenses? No one. I’m realistic and know what I need to do before I start dating again. I’m not into one night stands, because unlike many people, I take the risk of contracting an STD seriously and won’t gamble my future on some sketchy chick from a bar or club.

Conclusion:
Obviously, by now, anyone who’s read my blog knows that I’m not going to give up. These are all speed bumps, and other humans have accomplished great things while starting with less. If they can do it, I can do it. I’m prepared to deal with the isolation and I’m prepared to deal with my inevitable Ativan addiction.

October 9th, 2014

9 Oct

I’m stressed, really stressed. I’m racing against time. I’m trying to make money quick enough so my mom can retire, so she doesn’t have to stress. Recently her brother (my uncle) died of a heart attack, we believe due to the stress he was under–he literally worked himself to death.

I’m so scared of this happening to my mother, who is currently trying to bring herself out of the debt that her ex husband put her in (I’ve talked about that in previous posts). Currently what I’m lacking is time, and we’re lacking is money.

Real estate is what I’ve decided to pursue, after an inconsistent career in life insurance. That career completely changed my life for the better, but it cost me so much, from friends, to money and health. The course is $2500. Once I get licensed, I’m going to door to door like my life depends on it; actually I’m going door to door like my mom’s life depends on it.

My own dreams are far off in the future, and I’m not at all worried about realizing those dreams before I’m 30. Currently I’m at a very low point in my life. I’ve always struggled with depression and anxiety disorders, stemming from a PTSD diagnosis I received when I was 13 years old. Things have gotten worse than that though.

Asthma has gotten quite bad in the last few months. I quit weed at the end of September, and since then my anxiety and depression have been absolutely terrible. I quit weed because my lungs simply couldn’t handle it anymore. Quitting something I was so dependant on did cause some inherently bad side effects involving my mental health. To make things worse, my new steroid-based inhaler is amplifying these side effects. I’m having such a hard time throughout the day. I can’t focus on my studies, my mind is a mess, I’m getting pissed off at every little thing. My patience is absolutely gone.

Personally, I stay away from other people, including friends. This isn’t because I don’t like people, it’s because I don’t want to annoy them with my “moodiness”–I don’t want to bring them down with me. I’ve taken note of the people that have been good to me, but I don’t want them to think their kindness and patience will force them into hanging out with someone that would bring them down. I want them to feel rewarded for their kindness and patience, not punished for it. I know I come across selfish, but I’m actually one of the least selfish people out there, I just don’t get recognition for it because I keep it low key, and that’s fine by me because I do it for them, not me (none of them know about this blog).

Between my steroid-induced mood swings from my puffers, PSTD, depression, I’m so alone, and so sad all the time. I’ve gotten used to it, and I don’t know if that’s good or bad anymore.

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What’s my plan? I see a light at the end of the darkness. I believe things will turn out good. I believe with consistency, hard work and perseverance that I can help my mother out, and help myself out. Once I’ve helped myself out, and am in a position to spend more money, I plan on doing an insane amount of fun stuff with the people who’ve been good to me. I imagine travelling the world with them, going to concerts, exotic locations, A-list parties, everything. I’m going to be rich, I know it. I know my mother will be okay. I know that these tough times won’t last. I have to know these things.

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Rant, Oct 2014.

6 Oct

Stuff I’m currently dealing with:
-Asthma (Just got off prednisone, has been out of control for about a week now. It’s effecting my sleep)
-RISP (Recurring isolated sleep paralysis. I’m scared to sleep every night because of it)
-PSTD (I literally cannot go out and have fun, I’m a prisoner to my own mind)
-Acid Reflux (At least once a day I’m hunched over in pain for about 5 minutes at a time)
-Severe clinical depression
-Anxiety disorders (social, separation, panic)

Mental disorders diagnosed through Dr. Emmerys, physical disorders diagnosed through Dr. Donald.

I’m very grateful this is all that’s wrong with me, but these things are negatively effecting my studies and postponing my independence and success. I’m pursuing real estate and the course I need to take is an independent study. I can’t focus because of all this stuff. If my asthma could just get under control, then everything will be find. Regardless, I’m still going back to studying this Tuesday, healthy or not.

Oh, you know what SUCKS about Canada? My asthma prescriptions are costing me almost $400/month. My cell phone bill is $100+/month, and I never get reception. My WiFi doesn’t work on my $800 iPhone, and Apple refuses to fix it. My $33,0000 car, that was pushed on me at the age of 19 years old by Rallye Motors is costing me $500/month, and the $3000 warranty I purchased has not covered a single expense.

Anyway, I’m sick of getting screwed by companies that make several million per year. I’m sick of austerity. I’m sick of a Medicare system that benefits healthy people in almost no way. I’m sick of banks harassing my mother for stuff they should be harassing my mother’s ex husband for (he took out a home equity line, and blew all the equity on gambling, or so that’s what we think, because nothing else would make sense [100k = gone]).

My mother makes 80k NET INCOME (after taxes) yet banks are refusing her because of her EX HUSBAND. This is fucking stupid and my blood is boiling as I write this. Why can’t my mother and I get help? We’re actual productive citizens that can actually make money, and are intelligent enough to manage that money, yet banks would rather throw a bunch of young, unsuspecting students in debt for an Arts degree that won’t help them earn anymore money than before.

Another thing that drives me insane is that at 18 years old, I was thrown into an illegal pyramid scheme that the local government is turning a blind eye to. I lost thousands of dollars through cost of business, was guaranteed $30,000 per year, yet wasn’t paid any of that. That’s how I got this burden of a car I drive. This company I was with called Rallye Motors (where I purchased the car) and told them I’d make at least $30,000 per year. I got incredibly sick during my tenure with that company, while I was in an expensive apartment, and during that time I lost close to 60k, at NINETEEN YEARS OLD. Why the FUCK can’t our government do what it’s supposed to and protect our citizens? I’m excited for real estate, and it is my dream job, but I also have no choice because of the amount of fucking debt I’m in. I’m managing a very successful portfolio (Direct invest through RBC, no fees, etc). However, I can’t access it because the same government that screwed me over, is harassing my mom, ignores my mother’s ex husband and turns a blind eye to illegal pyramid schemes, has locked up both mine and my mothers bank accounts until she pays them off. How fucking dumb is that?

September 18th Update

19 Sep

I’m at an impasse. I’ve been smoking marijuana for years to cope with PTSD. Last night I had my second (bad) asthma attack within the last 4 months. I’m taking way too much Ventolin. Anxiety + ventolin = very bad.

Anyway I’ve been a mess lately. I’m pursuing a career in real estate, but it hasn’t been easy. I can’t think, I can’t focus. Even right now I’m shaking as I write this. Today is day 1 without weed, and my appetite is suffering.

What’s tough about my situation, and part of the reason I can’t focus, is that there is so much I cannot tell people, so I can’t really be open with anyone or get close with anyone. I can’t talk about my problems because I’m bound to secrecy. I’m scared to death about almost everything in life. I can’t control my thoughts and as a result my dreams are nightmares(I think of the most terribly sad and depressing stuff). Ever since I broke up with my ex my mind’s been a mess. It’s not that I’m not over her, it’s that our relationship became more of a coping mechanism for me. As long as I was focused on the relationship, I wasn’t thinking about the other stuff that’s haunted me my whole life.

So much has happened since March 2010.

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