just a few random paragraphs

7 Aug

There was a certain haunting feeling about my last job. Going from a gas station clerk in a committed relationship, to a life insurance agent with no girlfriend, or real friends. It was bitter-sweet. Getting up in the morning was fine, getting dressed up, looking nice, driving my nice car, and making sales was all fine.

What made things haunting were the drives home. They’d often last a couple hours, if not longer. During that time, feelings, thoughts and memories would creep up on me. I went from listening to upbeat music, to more deep music. I’m not sure depression was the right word for it, and I’m not sure sad fits the description either.

Watching the seasons pass as I just kept going on strange. Watching the snow pile up, the sky get darker; the air was cold and dry. I’ll never forget one time in Fredericton, walking around with my suit and blazer. It was on that day that where it hit me, that I was just another person with a suit on a busy street. It’s like I’d sold my humanity for success. The white snow landing on my black pea-coat and blazer matched my pale complexion. Girls definitely noticed me, but I was just focused on that haunting feeling; it’s like I was frozen in time.

Being alone for so long, with my only interactions with other people being intentional sales conversations, took its toll on me. To be honest, I don’t even feel human anymore. I just feel like a robot. I have such a good understanding of psychology now, after being in sales for so long, that I just can’t see people the same. I’m very confident, I workout, I have a bright future, I can cook, and really, to be honest, I’m the complete package that any girl would want out of a boyfriend or husband.

However, something is missing, and I don’t know what. For now, I’m putting the feelings on hold, and I’m chasing my dreams. I’m chasing money, and I’m racing against time. I think about the future. I think about snowy nights, in lofts high up in big cities. I think about watching the seasons change in exotic locations. I think about meeting new people from new places. Everything I think though, is dark. All my thoughts and dreams are at night.

I’m always stressed out. When I’m at home alone, I’m constantly shaking and thinking and stressed out. Comfort just isn’t something I’m used to, and I don’t want to become an emotional burden on the few good friends I do have now. It’s not that I don’t trust them, but only one of them has been in my life for more than 2 years, and I don’t wanna push them away.

Update: Summer 2014

16 Jun

Well, a lot has happened since my last post. I’ll try and be as chronological as possible, but because of PTSD, my sense of time has become so… off. Anyway, without further verbal procrastination, here’s what happened. 

That financial company I had pursued, well it turns out that I was being led on by one of their ex agents, who had been terminated (that’s insurance language for fired) for failure to disclose a DUI arrest. He hadn’t told me this though, and wasted almost 6 full months of my time waiting. I’m not gonna lie, when I found out he wasn’t authentic, my heart sank. I spent weeks alone. I thought about suicide for months. It is absolutely crucial for me to have a job where I can earn a good living, because of the amount of shit I’ve been through, and because I want those I care about to live a good quality of life. I’ve outlined in minimal detail what I went through in previous posts, so I won’t go on about that negative stuff. 

So, yeah. I was discouraged, and I was running dry for ideas. Then, one day, it dawned on me. I had managed to be relatively successful with insurance sales, so why not try real estate? I decided to do it. I’ve completed one of 6 courses, and I guess it’s a numbers game. 250 prospecting activities (door to door), equals to 50 leads which equals to 1 listing. The average house in my province is $176,000. The commission is 5%. So if I go to 80 houses a day, 5 days a week, for 12 months, then I’ve made one hell of a living. Best part is, volunteer work counts as prospecting activities. So in essence, I’m now in line to get paid to do what I love doing, helping other people. 

Anyway, so real estate is just part of how my life has changed since my last post. My fitness goals are going great. I can almost pull 4 plates (405lbs), using no belt, chalk or straps. I’ve reconnected with some great people. I’m hardly ever alone these days, and when I am, it’s because I choose to. I’ve taken to training other people in the gym too. So far, it’s going great. I’ve helped 3 people long term, and 3 others short-term (teaching them proper form on certain lifts). I’m honestly feeling so good about life. PTSD still does take its toll on me, and I do still have flash backs, night terrors and everything that comes with the diagnosis. It’s important to note that I was actually diagnosed with everything I say I’ve been diagnosed. Dr. Emmerys, and 2 foreign psychiatrists prescribed me multiple anti depressants, and anti anxiety medications. Literally, you could name any one, and I’ve probably been on it at one point. 

So, the thesis would be that I’m in the best shape of my life, I feel great, momentum is building, and this is all happening organically. I haven’t forced anything. I’m just working hard, and being nice to people, and something (religious folk would call it God) is helping me immensely. I look forward to updating this blog once I’ve made some sales with real estate. 

PS, I’m very much a noob on this site, and I have no idea how friending people works, so if I haven’t followed you back, or friended you back, I’m sorry, but my social media “expertise” is only good for Instagram, Twitter and Facebook. I’ll be on LinkedIn soon. 

IG: ry_ta

Fitness IG: 531ectomorph

Twitter: rt00071


  • Complete real estate exams
  • Get my first listing
  • Overhaul my professional wardrobe (I’ve gotten a bit muscular lately, stuff doesn’t fit like it used to)
  • Fix my mom’s teeth
  • Clear my mom’s debt
  • Pay off my car, or get a new car

6. An update

21 Feb

Saturday night, 9pm, late January 2014.

I’m alone, with no plans tonight, which has become typical.

I’m grateful to be healthy, and I’m grateful to have gotten the opportunity to pursue the career I had applied for.

I’m not out of the woods yet; there’s still so much to do.

Loneliness does creep up on me, and I gotta admit, it sometimes really sucks.

I’d like to meet a woman that lifts, or just an independent, mentally strong woman. I want seduction. I want aggression. No more of these beautiful women, who are so obsessed with themselves, they expect every man to chase them. I chase money. I chase success, and my dreams. If women really want ambitious guys, they’ll realize that the guys that hit on them, and act entitled, aren’t ambitious, but insecure. Real men, are working on goals. It’s like hunting. If you sit there and wait for a guy to talk to you, 5 times out of 10 you’re going to get stuck with some scumbag, pretending to be rich, buying stuff he can’t afford to impress girls that don’t know him. Now, if you go and do the hunting, you’ll have a much better selection of guys to pick from. I’m arrogant. I know I’m better than 90% of the guys out there. I wasn’t born the same, but I outdo them in terms of work ethic and morals. I know my flaws, and I do what is needed to fix them.

I treat people equally. I’m nice for the sake of other people, not for any other reason than to make people feel better. When people tell me their stories, I actually listen, and I actually care. I come across as ignorant and absent minded, but that’s because I’m truly thinking of their situation, putting myself in that position, and trying to take what I can from their situation, whether it be a lesson to be learned, a problem to be solved, etc.

5-Smokescreens, the social strategy for PTSD

15 Jan

So, I like football. I read about smokescreens for the first time in football. A smokescreen is where you create the illusion that you’re going to do something, so you can do something else and have no one know about it. PTSD victims, such as myself, don’t like to talk about certain things, so when people want to get intimate, or personal, or just know more about me, I’ll tell them enough about myself so they feel they know me, but I’ll leave out certain details.

That’s not enough though. You have to learn how to act, and how to lie. Tell the truth though, just avoid details that might lead to deeper questions. Let them know stuff about you, just not everything. Make sure what you tell them seems, to them, like significant events in your life. My thing is, lots of people know a lot of stuff about me, but nobody knows everything, or anything serious. I often pull away from people too soon, rather than too late simply because it’s easier for me.

So, there it is. That’s how I deal with PTSD on a social level.

4 (with photos)

15 Jan

Okay, everything’s caught up now.

  1. I’ve started volunteering to help out troubled “youth” (many are close to my age).
  2. Still healthy.
  3. Job interview with arguably the best financial company in the world, this Thursday (mid January).

I feel great, and more motivated than ever. My ex absolutely bashes me on social media, much of which I can say is true, much of it not though. I don’t return the shots though because that would be the wrong thing to do.

Now if you read this, you’ll think I’m totally self absorbed, but that’s not true. I’m very reserved in person, and I think anyone who knows me would be surprised to know about this blog or anything in it. I keep a lot to myself, so this blog is my way of not bottling up my problems, without annoying my peers with “whoa-is-me” Facebook posts.

I’ve really kept to myself for the past few months, being very selective about who I talk to. It’s nothing personal, just I can’t be associated with irresponsible people. I want a kid one day, and I don’t want to annoy my future wife or jeopardize mine or my family’s reputation or security by being friends with uncivil people. Not to mention, after being sick for almost a full year, the last thing I want is an STD, so I stay the hell away from the downtown crowd and I trust nobody. I’d rather not sleep with anyone, then risk getting anything. I’m far too proud of how far I’ve come in life, to go and risk my future and potential for a night of fun.

I’ve quit drinking, not permanently, but I haven’t drank since last August. Some people know what I’ve been up to, but most think I’m just weird. They think I’m weird because I’m not like them–I want to be rich, really rich. I want to impact people’s lives and help other people, not for personal recognition, but because I believe helping other people is a human duty once you achieve success. I keep the volunteer work secret from people who know me in real life. I also want nice cars, lots of nice cars. ImageImageImageImage


15 Jan

December 2013.

  • My $33,000 car is paid down to $18,000 which is pretty cool.
  • I’ve found employment with my college degree.
  • I’m 100% paid off to my mother, having worked 24/7 on call for her doing (so many) floor plans and deliveries.
  • I can deadlift 340lbs after only 7 months of deadlifting.
  • Started Olympic weightlifting and plyometrics.
  • Joining Jiu Jitsu next month.

Oh, I also left out I’ve been in Tae Kwan Do, and have a brief background in muay thai (yes, I can head kick, clinch and all that stuff).

I left this out earlier, but my mom came around after my ex and I split up. She became my best friend, left her abusive husband, and really stepped up as a mother. I would probably not be alive if it weren’t for her. I’m aware other people have had worst problems than me, but that does not make my problems any less of a challenge.

That sums up December, next month is where things change.


15 Jan

I never really retained any friends, wound up in an extremely destructive relationship, primarily socially, and financially, as well as emotionally. See, I had started to recover from PTSD around the time I got into this relationship. Her mother was a nut job, and I literally once had to pay for her mothers rent, while I was working minimum wage, WHILE I was going to highschool. Things got rough and I opted to take an adult diploma so I could graduate early, and support her, should her mom screw up like that again. So bam, I was sacrificing my collegiate eligibility (for university [I want to be an architect since I was 14]) so she didn’t have to work full time while in highschool. I had no, time, money or energy to maintain my new friends.

So from here on in, for about a year, she began to do stuff like hang out with her ex boyfriends behind my back, talk to guys I didn’t know about, ignore me (sometimes for days), ditch me (literally multiple times per week). Anyways, we wound up moving out, into a nice apartment, which I paid for. Eventually I took an independent college course, so my mother supported me while I did that for about 4 months (I’m part of 15% of people to pass that course). Hundreds of hours of studying went into this, despite constantly having to clean up after my girlfriend and her friends. So, by the time I had gotten the job, I was sick of how I felt, and to be honest I lost my mind. I definitely was not alright for a few months. I wound up getting physically sick, with a disease that would cost me the job I had studied for. Aside from three friends, I had spent months alone, while I recovered. My other friends were either partying with my ex (literally not even 2 weeks), or avoiding me because of my disease (which was not nearly as contagious as I thought it was.

So, lets fast forward to January (2013). Though I was sick and had no job, and had just gotten over a second eating disorder (same one from my childhood), I was ready to make a change. I thank whoever ‘up-above’ was looking out for me, for giving me the motivation to make it through the workouts. They were somewhat effective, adding almost 15lbs of muscle in the first four months, using only dumbbells, a pull-up bar, and a bench. By the time summer had rolled around, I began getting into heavy weight training. I began reading about stocks. Benjamin Graham, Warren Buffet, Peter Lynch, Phillip Fisher are all names that come to mind as financial influences.

The summer turned out to be a dud, I was 20 years old driving a $33,000 car, so you’d think the summer would’ve been decent. It wasn’t, this time I was focused on getting better from my disease. All I could see was the road ahead of me. All I did all summer was workout and research, milking my free time for all it was worth, learning as much as possible while I was sick, about how to get better. I met a friend who pointed me to Jim Wendler’s 531, and a few Youtube channels like Hodge Twins, Elliott Hulse, Omar Usef, and technical people like Mark Rippetoe.

That should some up 2012-2013…


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